Smee's Great Battle!!

Jaxey, or Smee as we in the guild know him, is one of our War Generals. He was perusing the forums the other day ...all day in fact...and must have been in a state of 'fog brain' because he was even reading posts that were two years old. As he read he came across a guild named Starbutts and they had insulted every mother of every member of our guild!! He was LIVID!!! He stormed into the guild swearing in a language I had nevah heard even in Texas and we can swear in all languages!! His eyes were glazed ovah, but there was fire coming out of em. We all tried to calm him, but he would not be deterred. He swore revenge on Starbutts that very night.

He painted his face, shined his ear rings, marshaled the troops, rode up and down the ranks on his steedy lil blue tiger and cried, "FREEDOM"!! Everyone looked around and said that they thought we were free. Everyone got the paints out though and followed suit. I have to say we were all more excited about painting our faces than the battle and got just a little carried away with it all. I chose pink and grey for my face paint.

Zimmi liked yellow and white. Iola just chunked a bunch of colors on her face and said, "What the heck"!! She looked like a Picasso!!!

 We all mounted our steeds and charged after Smee, who had left minutes before. All we could do was follow the dust since none of us can track worth a hoot. Finally we barely saw him in the dust he was stirrin' up and charged after him. Before we knew it we were in battle. Wands and swords and axes and arrows were flyin' everywhere. We didn't know what we were killin' but with all the fightin' we had to be killin' sumthin'!! Finally the dust settled and I felt something wet on my stainless steel flame pinstriped talons. I thought we were all wading in blood till I looked down and saw a paper coffee cup.

The dust and wand induced smoke finally cleared and we all looked around and low and behold........ We were in the middle of a Starbucks Coffee shop!!!! Smee realized his mistake rather late but tried to downplay it. He walked ovah to the dazed girl behind the counter and while nonchalantly looking at the menu said, "Make mine a Caramel Macchiato and cheese danish, please."

Trip to the zoo with chaochao

I thought it might be time for another field trip and Chaochao wanted to go too! Well, silly me, I thought a trip to a zoo might be a rather sedate setting for our hyper mage. My mistake! I shoulda made him leave his lil mage stick home!!

That boy is busier than a bee in an April bluebonnet field!!  Every step I took he was circling around me ten times at least! I thought he might turn me into butter with all that churnin' about.

We finally got to the zoo and the questions began to fly. His tongue has gotta be sunburned he was yappin' it so much. I tried to answer all his questions, but there was just no satisfying the boy.

Then he went from rambunctiously curious to dangerously experimental. By experimental I mean he was trying out all sorts of spells he had never tried before. I swear I think he was makin' em up as he went. Before I knew it the poor giraffe suddenly developed 'no' neck!! It just plumb disappeared. While I was trying to get him to fix that he zapped the zebra and danged if his stripes didn't just fall right off!!

Then he swapped the lions mane for the rhinos horns...if you can imagine a maned rhino and a horned lion then you get the picture! And don't evah, I say, don't evah make a horned lion mad!!

Well, I finally settled him down by just usin' some of Uncle Foghorn's philosopy...I said, "Look at me, I say, Look at me boy, when I'm tawkin' to you!!" He hushed a minute and I told him he needed to fix some of this mess he made. I got a blank look so I said, "Son, any of this sinking in that pea brain, son?" I swear that boy must be Henery the chicken hawk in disquise. He settled down and seemed to get my drift and started thinkin' about what he could do. He fixed most of it except that poor giraffe is gonna have to eat just very low bushes from now on! And the zebra well he put the stripes back on but still had to get fancy with that danged stick as you can see in the picture below.

That's the last time I let Iola tawk me into takin' Chao to the zoo alone!! Next field trip I'm gonna let Zimmi and Iola take our boy!!

Honky Tonk Field Trip

I was tawkin' to Iola, Zimmi, and da famous Dwarvian brown Alemiester, Dolgan Elfbane, the other day about Texas and the good times to be had there. As the subject got around to the various kinds of brew in the world it quite naturally took a turn to our famous Texas Honky Tonks. As I extolled the virtures of Tecate, Bohemia, Lone Star and various other brews, they thought it would be a good idea for a little 'field trip' down Texas way. They just HAD to visit a typical Texas honky tonk.

Now I warned them, if they wanted a TYPICAL honky tonk it would not be anything like the famous Billy Bobs in Ft. Worth. They be famous for a bunch of vicious mechanical bulls to be ridden while wasted on Bohemia or Tecate and for the gigantic dance floor. If they want typical then I have jest the place for a little trip. We are tawkin' hard core honky tonks now. The Dew Drop Inn. That's the place!!

Anyhow, off we went and I tell you I made them leave their armor behind. Less luggage makes for an easier flight. I could only fly with three and they better not tickle me enroute. I kinda suspected da Elfbane had a keg or two hidden on him. 

I do say though, some people you can't take anywhere! Those three fought the whole way. It was, "Make him move over." "She is hoggin' all the room." "He's touchin' me." And they kept arguing about who was gonna be on top. Now da Eagle is NOT a griffin. There ain't a whole heck of a lot of room on MY back!! It was a good flight except da Elfbane kept dropping his empty kegs on the poor Lone Star citizens below. I swear I think I saw them licking the smashed kegs!!

Finally arriving at the door to the Dew Drop Inn I am afraid they might have been a little disappointed. As I told em before we came, it is rather small, but has all the necessary amenities needed for a good honky tonk. 

Iola needed to go to the little girls room which was the one out back with the little half moon on the door. I shoulda warned her, but just as she sat down to get a little relief all the walls fell down!!! The owner uses that as his opening act with lights, cameras and rigged walls. I tell you, she was PO'd!! I flew to the roof for cover till she cooled down. But the bright lights got to her and before you knew it she was doing some down home singing, dancin' and magic for the folks. She was a real hit. I think it was her wand that won em ovah. They thought it was a cow prod and she just had to be a down home gal!! Either that or they were hoping for a little prodding from her personally. No tellin' what those silly sticks can conjure up.

Then we went inside. Kinda crowded but hey we like to dance close in Texas. No room for a mechanical bull cause they are just too dang expensive to buy and keep up. They eat oil like they own a oil well or sumpin'. They do have a ADHD mechanical cow though. You don't ride it. You try to milk it. That isn't as easy as it may sound. Ask Dolgan because after a case of Tecate he tried. That mechanical cow first slapped him awinding with its tail then kicked him clear to El Paso. He was done for this trip. We had to pick him up on the way back.

Well, close dancing is hard and when the crowd gets too big then they turn up the volume on the music, throw open all the windows and move it out to the parking lot. For line dancing we have to rope off the Interstate Highway out front. After a few line dances Iola was up doing a table dance. The whole Sheriffs department got word and came by to watch! They sat there droolin' and keepin' an eye on that stick. I think they wanted to ask if she and Zimmi were licensed to 'pack' but the show was so dad blamed good they didn't want it to stop!! Zimmi was being twirled around and around by at least a dozen guys. Couldn't tell if she was dizzy or three sheets to the wind.

Betcha can't guess which one is Zimmi and which is Iola!!

Well the adventure could go on and on, but to make a short story longer I will move the clock up to 5 am in the mornin'. I wasn't seeing to well by this time and found myself in the median of the interstate wondering how da heck I got there. I figured I better find my passengers and git us back to the house. I searched all ovah and finally found Zimmi under a table with a half full mugin one hand and a long stemmed yellow rose of Texas in the other. There were two deputies fighting ovah who actually gave her that rose. She was out of it lemme tell you. Iola was behind the bar. Now I will not tell all I saw there since I am now an honorary 'sista'. What happens behind a bar, stays behind a bar. 

So....I rounded them both up...tole them that we gotta find da Elfbane and poured em on my back. They both tried to bring a couple of studdly lookin' guys back with em, but I nixed that!! I told em I was studdly enough for em both. Can you believe it, they laughed! I asked a deputy to point me to El Paso (since everything was kinda a fog) but then he pulled out his breathalizer so I quickly took off. *hop ... hop ... hop ... leap ...* We were off!! My tail was draggin' a bit, but we got in the air. It was dawn and I felt the sun to my back so I figured I must be heading west toward El Paso.

Once in El Paso I had to rely on other instincts besides sight...so I listened real close and smelled a lot. I looked everywhere...finally I decided to check in Juarez to see if he landed there...flying low I passed the border and ..oh my gosh....bullets flew everywhere!! I turned to head back to the border when I heard and smelled the most gosh awful BELCH imaginable!!! "We found da Elfbane!!" I shouted to the girls (who were still out like a light on my back). I swooped down and there he was ...his bottom half in Mexico and top half in the US. I drug him stateside and poured him on my back with the girls and headed back to the guild.

So there you have it. Almost all the dope on our field trip. I was threatened with becoming a bald eagle if I told everything. And you just don't know how hard that is for da Eagle. But one good thing. They bettah be real sweet to me!!! 

Stargaezr

Hello guildies and those doomed to 'walk' and not fly. Time for another Eagle tale. Have you evah wondered why these tales get longer with the telling? hmmm

I left you wondering about the antics of our own wondrous mage, Stargaezr. Well as it happens he arrived in the guild as I was drowning my sorrows ovah my tripping incident with a flagon of Dolgan Elfbane's dwarvish brown ale. Crying in my ale, as only a true Texas Eagle can, listening to the Eagles sing a woeful rendition of something or other. He of course asked me what the matter was and, being Eagle, I of course told him and told him and told him. Till he finally said, "Enough already for crying out loud!". He, being the kind and gentle mage that he is, said that he had a spell for just such a situation. He could give me unchipable talons!!! I said, WOW!! Really!!? Lets do it!!

After that declaration, he said, "Well, I have never done it before, but I think I can. You will have to follow my instructions to the letter. First you need to get on top of an obscure rock and yell, 'I am Woman. Hear me Roar!!'." Gulping hard, I said, "But...but...I am MAN!! Couldn't I say ' I am Man. Hear me Beg!!'. " He said, "No, no! That is a whole nuther spell...it makes you big in the middle and want to lay around all day on the sofa with the remote." I said, "Well I already do that!! OK then, let's get er done." Then I looked to make sure no one else was around. He said, "By the way, I should mention that there are some side effects. You may be prone to an occasional hissy fit and have an insatiable appetite for chocolate." He said some other stuff but I heard nothing after the word chocolate. "Just as long as it isn't a conniption fit I could handle it", I said, "cause I saw a conniption fit once when in Griffin Riders and boy I don't evah want to look like that!"

With more than a little trepidation I got on top of an obscure rock and yelled, "I am Woman. Hear me Roar!!", as loud as I could without attracting too much attention. Stargaezr took his wand and began gyrating all ovah the place speaking unmentionable things and then ..POOF...tingling began in my top knot feathers and continued down to my feetsies. I looked down and was blinded by the glare off my new talons...they were stainless steel talons...long and deadly!!! Wooo Hooo!!!

Stargaezr looked shocked! He said, " Wow, I never knew I could do THAT. It turned out better than I could even imagine." He pranced around looking all aglow from his successful spell. I began testing my talons out. Letting them out one by one...*pling...pling...pling..pling*. I guess it was the last pling that got him, but Stargaezr yelled and said, " Pull those things back in will ya, you just stabbed me." opps!! My guess is that he won't be sitting for a week or more.

Needless to say I was very appreciative to Stargaezr and he was quite relieved. Don't think he really knew what the outcome might be. I only have a couple of complaints about my new talons...I keep stabbing myself! I am running out of bandaids ....could someone send me some Loony Tunes bandaids asap?

The other complaint is that Stargaezr failed to mention *PaKawk* one side effect.

I occasionally get *PaKawk* strange loud noises that jump right out of my Eagle beak and ....well...you may have noticed that now we have an unlimited supply of boiled (or raw depending on your preferences) eggs to eat with our dwarvish brown ale now.

You might tune in again later in the week. I have some real gossip to tell ya. About a trip da Eagle and three other guildies took to visit a true Texas honky tonk. And da Eagle didn't have to even stretch the truth on this one. Betcha can't guess which guildies!!

That is all my tails...err...tales for today. If you have a story or happening let me know and I will embellish it and make it a tale worth tailing....err...telling.

Eagle "Stainless Steel" Talon

Bird's Eye View

First I want to apologize for trippin' in battle the other day. (Weeping profusely at the memory) Howevah, blame it on a chipped talon. I was in the midst of battle with four Heart Warriors the other day and had dispatched all but spc and Crazygoowy, when suddenly an axe landed on my already tender talon...It chipped my pink sparkley polish....I have to tell you da Eagle came unglued!!!

In a fit of Eagle Rage I did in spc and was about to do the same to Crazygoowy but I tripped ovah my sore talon. It sent me rolling and the evil mage "wanded" me in an unmentionable place everytime I rolled. We lost!! (Sobbing uncontrollably again). *sniff* Forgive me. *sniff*

Nevertheless, for several days after I could not drop my bombs on the enemy very accurately. One day I aimed for the lead guy in battle and instead hit his comrade in battle next to him. I am not sure who she was, her face was rather covered in white birdy poop, but she had a big monogrammed "C" on her griffin's bridle. Tole ya my aim was off big time. Oh well, all is fair in Shakes and Fidgets, so they say.

I would tell you another Eagle tale about our own wonderous mage, Stargaezr, and how he saved the Eagle from a lifetime of chipped talons with a spell, but I will save that tale for another day. I only wish he had told me *PaKawk* about ALL the side effects!!! *PaKawk*

Stay tuned for further Eagle Tails...err....tales